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Post by ICHIGO TSURUYA on Jan 28, 2013 21:24:34 GMT -6
 He really wasn't sure what he was supposed to do on his off days. There really wasn't that much for him to do. Well. Alright, maybe that was a lie. But. It wasn't like he had really anyone to talk to in this place, he thought. He hoped there wasn't anyway. He had fallen into the underworld not long ago, he thought. And he had only been nineteen then. He could have only hoped and prayed that none of his friends or family would have come across him here. In this place. Part of him resented this life but part of him was relieved. Relieved to know that he had a second chance at living. A second chance to fix what he wouldn't have been able to fix before. Still, he thought, it was hard to think positively in a place like this. Surrounded by other people that had fallen unto death. He knew that he couldn't have been the only one that fell into this fate. Even so, the thought of his death. The thought of what he had endured in his past life haunted him even now. The crook of his elbow throbbed at the thought, the blonde quickly moving to shake his head as though to remove such dark thoughts from his mind. He didn't want to remember those things. He didn't want to remember much of anything these days. It was easier, he thought, to live in the present.
And it was because of that thought that he had decided to take it upon himself to enjoy one of his few days off. It was about time that he indulged himself for once instead of constantly thinking about work. Constantly thinking about posing, dressing, make-up. He would have killed for a day off back then, he thought. He deserved to drown himself in all the amenities that the world had to offer him and his wallet. He threw his arms high up into the air, the blonde stretching his spine slightly before hearing the satisfying pop of his shoulders. He let his arms drop back down to his side, moving a bit slowly to slip his hands into the pocket of his black hoodie. Fuck, he didn't think it could get cold. It was all still strange to him, he thought. Still so new. His hips swayed from side to side, his topaz gaze shifting to each dividing line between the pieces of concrete that built up the sidewalk. Maybe he could have played a game with it or something- oh! Maybe he could go buy some video games or something?
He remembered playing video games a lot. Maybe they released new ones? He was pretty sure that he had passed by some video game store the last time he had been walking down the strip. Shit, what was it even called? He couldn't remember. Hell. It didn't matter. He just wanted to buy something! And keep him distracted for like the better part of the day. That would have been great. It wasn't long before he arrived at the video game store, the blonde peeking inside of the store quietly. Oh, god. It was like being surrounded by a room full of donuts. Lord help him, he loved his donuts. They were practically his life. That and coffee. He needed coffee more than air. Way more than he needed air. Well you know. Outside of breathing. But details. That wasn't the point. He perused the shelves, taking out various titles before heading over towards the counter to pay for his things.
He wondered if he even had all the systems necessary. He'd probably need another PS3. He had like two television screens. Maybe he could get a PS3 and the other one could be rolling on Wii and then he could get his DS and ... yeah, that sounded about right. He could do that. Maybe fit in a popcorn machine in the middle or something and that sounded like it would have made a perfectly good Friday night! Maybe he could break out the chick flicks too or something. They were practically his guilty pleasure. He dug through his pockets before producing his wallet and digging through it to pull out his credit card. "Hey, is there any chance I could get a PS3 here? I couldn't find one when I was looking through the aisles so you probably have it locked up back there ri..." His mouth hung open, topaz eyes wide with surprise.
The words hung in the air, the blonde merely staring ahead a the other. He couldn't speak. Why ....? How? He didn't. He didn't think he'd ... he'd see him here. Like this. How ...? Why? He wanted to run away at that very moment, part of him more than tempted to up and run out of that store without doing so much as looking back. And yet, his feet were glued firmly to the ground that he stood on. His lips parted, the blonde struggling to speak. Tears lined the edges of his eyes, Ichigo a bit startled by the fact that they had come at all. "Y- You... I..." He stammered, trembling slightly. He took a step back. Why was he here? Why did he have to see him here? See him at all? Of all the places. Of all the times to see him. Here? Now?
"S- Sei... Seiji?"
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Post by SEIJI GIREKI on Jan 28, 2013 22:14:32 GMT -6
He really liked the smell of new games. That brand new.... new smell. It made him want to crack open each and everyone of these babies and play them right now. Well, he could. But the the tv's were more for the customers to test out their choices. See if they want to buy what they were playing. If Seiji was caught screwing around on one of them when he was supposed to be manning the counter, he'd get in tons of trouble. But today was unusually quiet. he supposed that was alright. He didn't like taking care of long lines.
Seiji leaned on the counter, his cheek resting on his elbow as he moved to turn the page of his GameInformer magazine. These upcoming games looked really good... Maybe he'd save up for a few. He needed to save up some more money anyway. He'd spent his last check on games. What a surprise right? He had tons at home. Three shelves of a bookcase dedicated to games. Though he had only filled one and a half. Seiji hadn't been down here too long. Not that he didn't enjoy it here... There were some nice people. Some of them were whiny and annoying. But who wouldn't be with the way some of these people died.
It was always interesting asking people how they died. Sometimes it was a little much to talk about. Some of the customers that visited were still fresh from the river and still trying to get a hold of everything. Seiji too was one of those people. He was lucky he ran across this place when he did. Else he would have still been looking for a job down here. He was surprised how much society here was like modern society up there...
It was different though. Without his coach calling him to make sure he knew the game plans or schedules... Without his mom calling him to make sure he had everything he needed before a big game or exams. It was sort of lonely, really. But beggars couldn't be choosers even in the afterlife right?
The tanned male sighed, his eyes trained on the image of a familiar green figure with a sword and shield. Though he wasn't exactly focused on the magazine anymore. As annoying as they were, he really missed his family. And certain other person. Though that person would probably never speak to him again. He'd never see him again either. With the way things worked down here, the sorters would probably put him in a totally different part of town. With Seiji's luck that made sense...
The bell on the door rung out, sounding that a customer had entered. But Seiji was hardly paying attention. Wasn't like he knew them or anything. Why bother looking? He didn't know anyone down here. He'd just take care of them when they got up to the counter to ring up whatever they wanted.
Seiji blinked down at the magazine, his eyes widening when he heard the customers soft and familiar voice. No way. It... That was impossible. That person couldn't be standing on the other side of this counter. Not in a million years. He was almost afraid to look up. But he did, his cobalt gaze focused on the other's amber one. His lips parted, Seiji moving to stand up straight.
Part of him was happy. Though for the most part he was scared. His heart, surprisingly raced at the sight of the blonde. He wanted to say something. Anything. But the sight of tears welling up in the other's eyes stopped him.
"I... Ichi... go." he said, his breath seemingly gone. Was this... real?
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Post by ICHIGO TSURUYA on Jan 28, 2013 23:16:43 GMT -6
Why was he here? Why was he there? Standing in front of him as he sort of lived and breathed? Why was he here? The world seemed to conspire against him. Constantly reminding him and forcing him to remember all of these things. This one person. Him. His eyes were wide, topaz stricken with fear. Obvious fear. Insecurity. Loathing. Desire. Happiness. What was he supposed to feel? Or perhaps the better question was how was he supposed to feel? His very breaths trembled, Ichigo forcing himself then to close his eyes. Maybe if he closed his eyes. Maybe he could pretend that he wasn't there. Maybe he could pretend like he wasn't there. He never had been there. He had never existed for even the briefest of periods in his life time. He didn't know him. He didn't want to know him.
His heart thudded almost painfully in his chest, anxiety settling into his every movement. No. No, he couldn't get scared now, he thought. He couldn't let this bother him. He couldn't let him bother him at all. He was just another face in a sea of people he had seen once upon a time. It wasn't as though the other knew him. The poor guy. He probably didn't even know the blonde at all and here he was freaking out because they just. They just happened to look familiar. It wasn't like they were the one and the same person. Lots of people looked the same, right? Maybe his memory was just off so that was why he was thrown off so easily. People like Seiji didn't just die like that. Only people who were weak. People who were willing died like he did.
Only people who weren't given an option and turned to a wall died like he did. No, but that was wrong too. He had options. He had a family. He had people to protect him and yet no one did. They knew. They knew what he was doing to himself and they let him continue, afraid that if they were to stop him. That he'd never talk to them again. And yet, here he was. Did Seiji know what he was doing to himself? What he had done to himself? Did his family tell him? Did he even know? He was probably judging him. Judging him for being here. But at the same time, he was here too. He was here with him. He heard his name slip the other's lips. It was him. It was Seiji. He was here. In front of him. He had never thought he'd see him again.
Ichigo merely opened his eyes then, lifting the edges of his sleeves up to dab the tears that had spilled over. He was a little embarrassed to say the least that he had started crying over something as little as this. He should have been happy. He got to see him again. Was his mind just playing tricks on him? He laughed a little, sniffling as his sobs intermixed with the soft sounds of laughter. He closed his eyes, sniffling again as he looked to the ground. He stifled the sobs with the sleeve of his jacket, the blonde pausing for a moment as he tried to get a grasp on his feelings. He wasn't really sure what to say. What to do. How to feel. He sniffled, closing his eyes quietly. He couldn't breathe.
"Seiji," He said, his voice softer than a whisper. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't speak. A soft smile crossed his pale, thin lips. A soft laugh escaped his lips then, the sobs and sniffles hidden. "What the hell are you doing here of all places?" He laughed, merely moving to shake his head in slight surprised that he had found him here. Found him here of all places. Dead. They both were. He was almost confident that the other was just as surprised as he was. If ... if he had even. Bothered to remember who he was. He was sure that the other had plenty of bedwarmers in the ... in the past few years that they had been apart. He had never amounted to him more than that. "You remembered my name."
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Post by SEIJI GIREKI on Jan 30, 2013 15:50:17 GMT -6
He wanted to believe he was just seeing things. That he just didn't get enough sleep last night. Or that he was just... confusing this guy for someone else. Ichigo wasn't... dead. Right? He wasn't. He was alive and well and modeling. Looking perfect the way he always had. There was no flaw in Ichigo. If there was then Seiji had failed to ever see it. He had just been... So caught up in himself back then that he never once considered actual feelings between them. Sure, they messed around. They did some things they probably shouldn't have together. But Seiji never thought of feelings. Real genuine feelings. To him back then, Ichigo was but a number and a face.
But then the other had had enough and left Seiji to realize the hard, unforgiving truth that he had done something terribly wrong. He didn't understand. But... Once the door on the roof of their school had shut on the very last day of school. And he was leaving alone. He had finally realized that he had wronged the blonde in the worst way. He ignored Ichigo's feelings and continued fucking around with other people. Never once considering that they were supposed to be something. At least that was what Ichigo must have thought. That day, he walked down the stairs leading from the roof. And there was no clumsy, silly little blonde walking behind him or beside him. Just Seiji. And silence.
From then, Seiji had always felt a little empty. He stopped messing around. He stopped dating people as a whole, really. He wanted to correct his mistake. But he never got the chance. Ichigo was gone. And every time Seiji did strum up the courage to text or call a while later, he never got an answer. He just took it as a sign and punishment. He thought it was completely acceptable, to be honest. Seiji knew how much of a jackass he was. Even still... It hurt.
However now he was seeing his mistake face to face. Ichigo was here... in the Underworld staring him right back in the eyes. Could he really apologize and it hold value? Seiji didn't doubt Ichigo hated him... But the other almost looked happy to see him. Why? After all he'd done?
After the incident he didn't know anything was going on with Ichigo. Suddenly the blonde appeared on tv, in magazines, newspapers, the net.... Everywhere. Of course he was happy for him. But he sort of envied the other at the same time. Famous people had it easier. Sure they had paparazzi chasing them and invading their private lives if they weren't careful. They had to be perfect... That was just it though. Ichigo was perfect. Seiji was sure he had it made for him. Even though Seiji was going to be famous some day as well if he continued to pursue basketball. But that was never his choice. He didn't choose to be this. His father was a coach, and he wanted to breed the best basketball player in Japan. He did. But... Seiji was never happy playing it anymore. He was tired. Tired of basketball.
His father never looked at him as a son, he thought. He looked at him as a prodigy that he created. A prodigy that would get their family rich so they could live comfortably and proudly while Seiji busted his ass supporting it all. How was that fun? Once he realized it, it sucked all the fun out of everything He became bitter and negative outspoken. So he relieved his stress through sex. It didn't matter who. He just needed a fix. An outlet.
Of course, he never told Ichigo about it. Even if he did, Ichigo had all the right in the world to hate him.
He averted his gaze, moving to close his magazine. He remained quiet for a moment. What was he supposed to say...? Did Ichigo even want to hear what he had to say?
"I could ask you the same thing." he said, his tone slightly low. This was just all kinds of awkward. Especially since he was the one at fault here. "Of course I remember your name."
'Because you were the one that made me realize I was wrong' is what he wanted to say. But he had too much pride to say it out right. He couldn't make eye contact. He didn't want to see any hate in Ichigo's eyes. Anymore hurt than he had already seen before.
"...I'm sorry." he said softly. Seiji stared down at the counter, genuinely afraid of the response he was going to get. Afraid to know the way Ichigo had died. He deserved to live so much longer. He deserved to find someone that he would grow old with. Someone that treated him better than Seiji had.
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Post by ICHIGO TSURUYA on Jan 30, 2013 20:51:22 GMT -6
It seemed different. Hell, it felt different. It wasn't the same as before, he thought. It wasn't anything like before. It wasn't like when they were in high school and. And Seiji couldn't just say something to sway his opinions so easily. He wouldn't give into him like he had before. Like he was okay with what the other thought he didn't know about. He couldn't break his heart a second time. He wouldn't let him do it a second time. He sniffled again, swallowing hard as he tried to stop himself from crying anymore. It was embarrassing, he thought. He made the ugliest faces when he cried anyway. It'd always get all red and blotchy and his eyes would get swollen. Sei probably would have made fun of him if given the opportunity.
But he didn't think the other would mock him here of all places. They weren't alive. And there wasn't anything for him to lose in a place like this. Reputation? No one had that. People simply existed and that was the end of it. He didn't even know why he was crying. They had never been something. They simply had never been. They were in a 'relationship' but. What could he even call something like they were? Like they did. All they did was sleep around at school. What did that make him? A mistake? Maybe the other just felt like exploring, he thought. And Ichigo had been the one stupid enough to believe that they were real. That they were something more than just friends or people to sleep with when they were bored.
That was why he had left, hadn't it? The other had even tried to contact him then. 'Apologize' for what he did wrong. And yet, the blonde had never taken the time to reply. He probably just needed someone to sleep with for the night on one of his off days or something. He didn't want to let himself fall back into something like that. When he was just a name and a pretty face. But. That was what he was. He was on ads, magazines, the television, the Internet. People knew his name and they knew his face. They knew all the things he liked and disliked but. They didn't know him, did they? He had always been that way. He always would be that way. And he hated that part of him the most.
Was this supposed to be hell? To have to see the very person that both ruined and helped him? To know that he was here? He was almost afraid - too afraid - to say anything in fear that this was real. That this really was Seiji in front of him. There was no way he could have died and yet he did. He looked up, meeting the other's azure eyes with honey. He remained a bit silent, debating what he was supposed to say. What he was supposed to do. He didn't want to let the other know how he really had ended up here. In this place. A pill popper. Drugs and the like wise were what destroyed him. That was who he was. That was why he was here.
It shouldn't have mattered. He should have blamed him for Ichigo's early death. But he knew he had done it to himself. He wanted to destroy himself because. Because he wasn't perfect. He never had been. It was embarrassing to think that he had needed Seiji so much to validate his existence and yet had forced himself to hate him for so long. "Yeah," He finally answered, rubbing at his eyes with the sleeves of his jacket slightly. He quivered, shoulders lifting every so often with the hiccups to follow. "I'm surprised you remembered me. I would have thought you'd have forgotten with the millions of other people that wanted you in high school."
Did he sound bitter? Maybe a little. "Or is it because I don't like you is why you remember me?" It hurt to say that. He did like him. He honestly did but. It hurt to admit that he did too. More than it did to lie to him. He dropped his hands to his sides slightly, sighing a little as the other turned his gaze downwards. Was he upset? Did he make him uncomfortable? Maybe he should have left. Ichigo took a step forward, offering a small smile before moving to push the other's cheeks together. "I didn't know fish could apologize."
"It's not your fault." Everything was his fault. It was his fault he was ten feet under the ground. It was his fault he had tried so hard to destroy himself. It was his fault that he had fallen in love with someone like Seiji. Someone who couldn't love him back. Everything was always his fault. He merely offered a small smile to the other, trying his hardest to look happy through his already swelling eyes. "It's not your fault, Seiji."
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Post by SEIJI GIREKI on Jan 30, 2013 21:34:25 GMT -6
He had no right to tease and poke the other anymore. They weren't anything. They weren't even acquaintances anymore. Ichigo probably wanted nothing to do with him. And Seiji didn't blame him. A part of him wanted to be bitter. He wanted to think that he didn't do shit wrong. That he was just being himself and that Ichigo was a punk for not accepting the obvious. But he couldn't. He couldn't blame it on him because it wasn't his fault. Seiji was at fault. He was the one that pushed Ichigo away.
Seiji didn't even have a reason to be speaking to him now. They were supposed to be separated for life. Never seeing each other ever again. But Ichigo got famous. He took the opportunity and it worked out... He supposed that was his fault as well. Maybe it was a good thing. But it wasn't good that Ichigo was down here and not up there being loved by millions all over the world. Seiji could only wish he could have that. Though he was down here as well.
He kept his gaze focused on the glass counter. Why was this happening to begin with? He couldn't correct himself anymore. For one he was dead, and two Ichigo hated him. He'd never get another chance with someone so... beautiful. And he only had himself to blame.
Seiji didn't want to think about it anymore when he arrived here. He got here thinking that it would be a new start. A new life and a clean slate. But then this happens. Was he wrong? Was this done to teach him a lesson or give him another chance...? Tch. Hell if he knew.
His brows furrowed at the blonde's response.
...You'd have forgotten with the millions of other people that wanted you.
It was painfully true. And he couldn't blame him for thinking that he would have forgotten. Seiji slept around for his own reasons. Reasons he never once disclosed to the other. He shouldn't have been so wounded by what he already knew.
Or is it because I don't like you is why you remember me?
Just hearing that much... Seiji's hands gripped the helpless magazine pages. That was hardly what he wanted to hear at the moment. He knew that he was wrong...! So why did he have to stand here and talk like that? Was that Ichigo's way of telling him he'd never be able to make this up? That he'd just... hurt forever knowing he could never fix this?
He was trying to be happy. Ichigo was just throwing salt on both their wounds. On his own wounds. He was hiding it... Like it was in the past forever. Like it didn't matter to him anymore. Ironically, it mattered a lot to Seiji. It mattered a whole lot.
He pulled Ichigo's hands away from his face gently. Only making eye contact briefly before moving to the back and getting the ps3 Ichigo asked for.
"My shift ends in a few minutes. Wait outside for me."
His tone was flat as he rung of the console and slipped into the bag. Ichigo would know him well enough to translate that into 'we need to talk'.
~~~
Once he exchanged shifts with the next employee, Seiji slipped out of the store to meet Ichigo outside. He walked, knowing the other knew well enough that when he was quiet like this something was wrong. Once they got into a secluded area, Seiji stopped and turned around slightly. He didn't make eye contact still, and simply stared blankly ahead. Something was eating at him and he had to confirm it. He hoped he was wrong. And he hoped that he didn't Ichigo as well as he did...
"Just yes. Or no." he began, his eyelids drooping slightly as he mulled over if he really needed to say this. But he had to. He had to know. "Did how you died have something to do with me?"
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Post by ICHIGO TSURUYA on Jan 31, 2013 0:22:47 GMT -6
They weren't anything, he thought. Nothing important. They weren't friends. Acquaintances. If it was up to him, they wouldn't have been. If he could forget. If they could have never met, maybe he would have been better off. Maybe they wouldn't have been like this. He wanted to be bitter. He wanted to hate him. To loathe him. But even now. Even after those years apart, he couldn't bring himself to hate him. He had taken up that opportunity because of Seiji. He would have never even left Japan if it hadn't been for him. He had him to thank for that, though it showed him to a world that he probably had never been meant to see.
He had thought that dying, ending up like this. He thought that meant he'd get another chance to live. Another way to redeem himself and leave the right way, he thought. He had thought that was his way to live his life the way it was meant to be. Without seeing Seiji. Without ever moving to that place and meeting him and. Everything. But here. He was seeing him now, face to face for the first time in years. What did they say? If you loved something, set it free? Done that. But if it never came back, it was never his to begin with. Was this meant to happen? In the grand scheme of things?
Not possible. It was just. Just coincidence that he had ended up here at this time and happened to come across Seiji like this. He wished he had forgotten him. All of him. Like he had never existed to begin with. If he had forgotten Ichigo, it would have been easier to let go. Knowing that he wasn't worth remembering. It would have been easier to just. To just leave. His feet kept him bound there, the blonde desperate to leave but not. He merely watched the other remove his hands from his face before moving to get what he had asked for before prompting him to wait.
Wait? All he wanted to do was bolt out of the door with everything he had bought and hid in his home. But Ichigo nodded dumbly, unsure of how else he was expected to answer. He took the bag a bit quietly before slipping out the door without so much as another word. He wanted to run. He just. He could go home before Seiji would ever catch him. Before he'd even notice, the blonde would have been gone. But. He couldn't do that to him, could he? But by the time he had decided, the other had already slipped out of the store and come to speak to him.
He walked, falling into step with the other. It was funny. They used to do that back then too without even realizing it. And then Ichigo would proceed to ruining it because he had noticed it at all. Or he'd come running after him with canned drinks or something before realizing that there were other people desperate for his attention. Ugh. Why was he even thinking about these things? He wasn't really even sure. He stole a brief glance to look at the other's face quietly, examining the more distinct features that stood out now that he had grown up. At all really.
"Huh?" He replied, startled by the question. Did ... did it have anything to do with Seiji? Honestly? ... he wasn't sure. After they got out of that relationship... "Yes." He answered simply, lowering his gaze to the ground. "Only a little though. Just." He didn't like thinking back to his death. He didn't like the panicked feeling he had gotten knowing that no matter what, he couldn't go back. He couldn't stop it and. He didn't like thinking about all the things that had led up to that moment when he had overdosed and ended up pushing up daisies.
"Just. The first part... I guess. After we um. Broke up... I thought I didn't matter or ... account to much. I thought maybe it was because I didn't look good enough." His words came out slowly, drawn out almost syllable by syllable. "So, I stopped caring. I stopped eating. And if people asked me for ... that, I just... did it. That's the only part that... that had to do with you. Everything else..." He sighed softly, grasping at his bruised elbow almost instinctively. It always hurt now. He turned his gaze to the side, shifting on his feet a bit uncomfortably as he moved to hide the various pricks that came with the needles from before.
"... I'd rather not talk about it."
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Post by SEIJI GIREKI on Jan 31, 2013 1:13:58 GMT -6
If only it were that easy, he thought. Just coming here. Making a living in the afterlife and forgetting whatever plagued you up there. When you were alive. Actually with people you cared about. But down here, you got that. 'Cept you didnt know anyone. Unless someone you knew died before you. Even then, you had to find them in this vast, ever expanding world. Chance might be against you and whomever you're looking for might not be in the same district. Seiji didn't have any good friends or family that had died. Or that he particularly cared about really. Well, he cared... Just not enough to search for. If he ran into them, great. Happy times. But no one made such an impact on his life as Ichigo did. He found the other by chance. Pure chance.
Now they were here. Together like he wanted... But it wasnt the same. There was no affection. Only empty space. Ichigo might have put on his fake smiling mask, but Seiji knew him better than that. He wasn't happy at all to see him. Why be happy?
Part of him wished the other had run. But then Seiji would only hurt more. Knowing he wasn't even forgiven enough for this. To at least have some closure. It was the most important thing to him right now. He would have never said it aloud. But he just wanted to be forgiven. More than anything. If he couldn't have that... He'd probably rather just disappear. That's what happened to unstable souls here. He had thought about it once. Ending it forever. So he wouldn't have to be bothered with it anymore. However his pride would never allow him to take the easy way out.
He almost didn't want to hear anymore when the other had said yes to his question. Yes was enough to know that it was his fault. Yes was enough to confirm that he was indeed a total dick in all senses of the word. And yes confirmed that... he probably wouldn't ever be able to make it up. He had already said sorry. What more could he do? The blonde had already said he didn't like Seiji. If he couldn't date him and make it up, then it was a lost cause.
His gaze dropped to the ground as he listed, his expression becoming increasingly unreadable. Only a little meant only a lot and then some. Maybe he was taking it too hard. But... He realized he really did love Ichigo. And to know that he was going to move on, and that he had already been taken and touched by someone else... It hurt. A lot.
Ichigo had starved himself. Because Seiji was too selfish and self-centered to realize what was happening. He had never met the other's mother. So of course whatever happened from then on, he had no clue about. It was just... funny. How little he knew about Ichigo now. He was a complete stranger. The only thing Seiji remembered was that he was too nice to say it was all Seiji's fault. That he was a jerk, a pompous jackass.
"I see." he said blankly, his hands finding their way into the pocket of his hoodie. There really was no way, was there?
"I'm not going to tell you I don't want you back." he said after awhile. It hurt to even speak right now. He was beating himself up, yeah. But... When you make a mistake, and you realize it too late. And you've wronged the person you realized you actually did love... It sort of chips at you.
"...I stopped doing it after you left. Because I hoped that maybe one day I'd get another chance and make it up to you. I was immature and I didn't think."
It was a little hard for him now. To talk like this. It was obvious in his tone of voice. It wasn't pained. But it wasn't confident either.
"I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I just wanted you to know I was still thinking about you."
Seiji's cobalt gaze met Ichigo's. He wasn't good at making masks... Not like Ichigo. And it was obviously showing.
"And that I'm sorry. I don't know what else to do. But I guess it's too late for apologies now." He turned around, moving to head home. He didn't really have anything else to say. He couldn't manage anymore.
"See you around I guess."
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Post by ICHIGO TSURUYA on Jan 31, 2013 11:41:36 GMT -6
All he could do these days was lie. Lie to himself. Lie to his family. The one and only person that he loved. He found himself lying to him too. It wasn't as though he hated him. As though he could 't forgive him ever again. Did he always love him like this? No matter how much he wanted to convince himself that they weren't anything. That they never had been. And yet, he never wanted to let go. Did that make him weak? Or did that mean he was just more forgiving that he thought he was? It had never been Seiji's fault, had it? It had been his own.
But there was a small part of him that persisted despite these pretty thoughts. These pretty words. He doubted that the other had ever really cared about him. Maybe he was just trying to convince him of something that wasn't true? He sighed softly at the thought, fidgeting a bit nervously. He cared about him, he loved him, he hated him, he wished he had never come to this place. He wished that he had never let himself destroy himself and end up here. He hadn't thought that he would have been given another life when he died. He thought it was just the end. That everything just ended, he thought. He had never thought he'd get this chance to see Sei again. To get this chance to give himself a little closure.
To let go and ... to actually mean it. Maybe he should have punished him for this. For making him hurt for all this time and for making him want to be with him again so much. He almost wanted to cry again but resisted. He wanted everything to go back to before. To go back and to pretend that everything had never happened. But they both knew that wasn't possible. Just by being together, they were hurting each other. And he wasn't sure if the other was being completely honest with him. What if he was lying? What if like before he had never really meant for them to be like that? Thoughts of doubt clouded his mind, the blonde quiet. Only able to listen without ever giving a complete answer.
He wanted him back? Why? Couldn't he tell that Ichigo was confused? Confused just being like this? For being in pain like this? A chance to make it up to him? He wouldn't have had to if he had just. If he had just cut off all ties with his other 'friends' and just. Just looked at him for once in the entire time that he had known the other. Maybe he was the one that was wrong. Maybe he should have been more honest about his feelings rather than just running away from it in fear. They could have been better. Done something more but. At the same time. Would he?
His gaze met the other's briefly, topaz studying the cobalt in search of any sign of honesty. That he meant what he was saying. And he found it. He found all of it there. He was hurting just as much as Ichigo was. Had been. He opened his mouth to speak, hearing the words in his head though they never actually came out past his lips. He faltered, watching him turn away from him. If he let him walk away now, then it was all over. He would never see him again. It would be the end of it. He would have avoided that game store for as long as he could and the other would have never bothered him. It would have been done. He would have had his closure.
And yet, he didn't. He didn't want to let him go and he didn't want to have to force himself to forget. To leave things like this. Ichigo reached out, grasping the other by the edge of his hoodie, both unsure of himself and his true feelings. "Don't." He finally breathed out, his thin form trembling in fear. Fear that the other would tell him to let go. Tell him to go away. He moved a bit slowly, moving to turn the other around. "I don't want you to leave. You're supposed to demand for me to stay or ... or something! ... d- don't just ... just let me go..." He murmured, his voice barely above a whisper. "Don't let me go like that, Seiji."
"I won't let you."
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Post by SEIJI GIREKI on Jan 31, 2013 15:23:01 GMT -6
He didn't deny that there was some doubt. There was doubt about if Seiji really wanted to let this go. If it was worth breaking off or pursuing. If he really ever loved Ichigo. And if he did, was it love for him or his body? He didn't know anymore. Seiji was hurt, deeply cut and confused. These sorts of wounds would heal over time, yes. But that didn't mean they wouldn't ache once in a while. He could never forget about Ichigo.
He knew that if he left things as they were now, it was done. They had their closure. But now was the moment. The deciding moment of if they were really meant to be. Or if it was just a fluke. If Seiji was just... confused and hurting himself because he thought that he felt something. He didn't doubt those things happened. They happened to the best. Love could either make you or break you, he thought. It could be the best change in your life, or the thing that ruins you and turns you into naught but a shell of your former self. He didn't want to beat himself up to that point. But he didn't want to leave it like this either.
He was aware of what happened when you picked at things like this. If you pushed it. He'd done it before. Several times. Seiji had a nice body and a silver tongue back in high school and he still did. He was able to convince anyone he had his eyes to sleep with him. To kiss him or to just do things for him. He used people in the worst ways. People were just things to him. Though the heart ache he experienced when Ichigo had left him supposedly forever made him realize that he was not the only person of value in the world. Seiji wasn't guaranteed anything in life. And anything he was given a chance to have could be just as easily taken away from him. Before he knew it, it actually happened.
Now they were standing here. Or rather Seiji was leaving here. Leaving behind his past and everything he had to do with the other. He wasn't going to start thinking he could never love again. But it sure felt like that right now. They could have left it at being friends. But once you get emotionally involved with someone like he had with Ichigo... just being friends would do more harm than good. Being around him and knowing that he couldn't touch him or kiss him hurt. Because that wasn't what friends did. Seiji couldn't just be his friend. He wanted to be more than that. He wanted to treat Ichigo like a king, to spoil him and give him whatever he asked for. Anything that would make him smile.
What he would give to see a genuine smile from him... Those smiles in the magazines on tv. Those were painfully fake. No one could see it but Seiji. No one understood that Ichigo wore a perpetual mask that covered the real him. The unhappy, miserable him. He would never understand exactly what the other felt. But he knew the way Seiji dumped him on his ass repeatedly made him feel useless. Like a simple shelf ornament. Just meant to look pretty. Decoration.
He wanted Ichigo back. More than he had ever wanted anyone. It was different from the want to have them in his bed. It was a kind of want that made his chest hurt and his head ache. The kind of desire that almost stung. But it was over. Right? Ichigo wasn't saying anything. He wasn't stopping Seiji. Did that mean that... he wanted this?
Seiji had given up on hoping he would be stopped when he actually was stopped. It almost scared him. He almost wanted to think it was just a branch or a bush snagging his hoodie. But it wasnt... It was Ichigo.
His eyes searched the ground, as if there were to be answers awaiting him. Though there were none. There was nothing. No instruction manual that would tell him what to say and how to say it.
Don't? Don't... Don't what? He heard the tremor in the other's voice and it scared him too. Did Ichigo really want him to say those things? Something told him that Ichigo couldn't lie about this. He could never act this out. Should he question this? He thought that Ichigo stopped liking him. Stopped feeling anything for him... That he hated him. Was it not true? Was that just a front earlier? To cover up how he felt? If it was... Ichigo had fooled him again. He was always good at that.
"But I used you." he said, his voice low as his eyes focused on the ground. He wanted to ask if that made him upset. If he spent anytime brooding over it. Hating him for it. Asking him how he could ever not want Seiji gone. Thinking on it, he had no idea what people saw in him. Why he was so popular.
"...You let go first."
He didn't want to take that path. He didn't want to blame it on Ichigo. That wasn't what he wanted.
"I just... Aren't you afraid I'll just do it again?"
He turned around half way to look at the other. To get a good look at what mask he might be wearing. If he was even wearing one.
If this was real at all. For the most part, he believed it was. He wanted to and he wanted Ichigo more that anything. But he just... he had to hear it straight. To know for sure.
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Post by ICHIGO TSURUYA on Jan 31, 2013 19:29:14 GMT -6
Should he have just let him go? Let it go? Shit, he had been thinking on that for what felt like hours and it still didn't make any more sense than it had earlier. He thought that they were important. That it was important to not let him go. He had promised himself at first to apologize for leaving him so easily. For doing it because he had hated him. Hated the fact that he hated him and he loved him and just. It was too much. He couldn't understand how he was expected to feel. What he was expected to feel. Especially now while he held onto the other's hoodie, desperate for him to look at him again.
Did he want to leave? He would have let go the minute that the other told him to. But. He wasn't. He hoped that he wouldn't. The other, he thought. They couldn't just be friends. Maybe once upon a time they could when every time that he touched the other held no false pretenses. When it was okay just to touch him or cling to him. But if he did that now, it was strange right? It would have been awkward. Too awkward for either of them to handle. Everything felt like it was moving a thousand times slower than usual.
He was scared to let the other back into his life. He was scared to force him out of it. And as for everything between, he could barely force himself to accept that entirely either. He just wanted to stop lying to himself. To stop saying things that he didn't mean. To stop smiling when he didn't mean it. Like every day of his life for the past two years. 'I'm okay' and 'yes' had been the only things that had come out of his mouth lately and frankly. He was getting tired of doing what everyone wanted rather than what he wanted. Sick of everyone acting like they knew him. Like they really knew him.
He wasn't even sure if Seiji knew him that well. And chances were, he didn't. No one did. His parents never bothered to care about it either. He wished he could give him up as easily as the other had - as he put it - used him. His grip on the other's hoodie loosened considerably, the blonde at a loss for words once again. He had used him. He had been right. Seiji had... had never loved him. Not at all as much as he loved him. Not nearly as much as he wished and prayed that the other wouldn't be here. Wouldn't be here until he could force himself to move on.
H- He had let go first... his grip on the clothes ceased to exist, the blonde merely standing there with his eyes focused on the ground. He was right. He had been the one to leave. Because he was too weak to try and tell the other what was really wrong. Because no matter how many times he said that he loved him, Seiji would leave him with silence. It bothered him. Bothered him more than anything else in the entire world. "I..." It was his fault then. Was that what he was trying to say to him? That in the end. It was his fault. Not Seiji's. Of course it wasn't his fault, what was he thinking? It was always his fault that things like this happened. Because he never wanted to let it show that it hurt him. That he needed help. That was why he was here, wasn't it?
Was this some kind of punishment? For everything he had ever done? Because he had never felt more pain than he was at that very moment. He should have just ended it forever. He didn't deserve to exist. He couldn't hide anymore. He couldn't hide the fear so evident in his mind. The sadness that he felt. Everything that he had hidden so carefully for so long came rushing to break that false expression of happiness from before. The blonde trembled where he stood. He wanted to die. He really wanted to stop existing. Maybe he wouldn't have hurt then. It wouldn't have been so painful as it was now.
"I'm afraid of everything, Seiji." He replied, forcing a small laugh to escape his lips. He lifted his gaze from the ground, looking to meet the other's gaze quietly. "I'm afraid you might use me again. I'm afraid you'll leave me. I'm afraid of loving you again. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough for you." He admitted, his voice clear and sound though it was clear his body was not in the best condition to support it. "I'm afraid you'll get bored of me again. I'm afraid of myself, Seiji." He replied, his hands turning to clenched fists at his sides as he grasped at the fabric of his own clothing. "I'm afraid you'll think I'm damaged."
"I'm afraid of a lot of things, Seiji. You're not the only thing."
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Post by SEIJI GIREKI on Jan 31, 2013 19:57:13 GMT -6
He knew that this was hard for Ichigo. That it was going to be hard no matter what. No matter how they did things, it was going to be a struggle in the start. They both had trust issues, Ichigo more so because of what Seiji had already done to him. His trust issues more specifically lied with Seiji as a whole. The way he slept around when he was supposed to be dating Ichigo. The thing that embarrassed him the most out of everything he did was that he didn't even try to hide anything. Seiji had never tried to hide anything about himself. He could be affectionate, and he could be a huge asshole. But people mostly saw the negative side of him. The one that only craved what he wanted from others and didn't give a rat's ass about what they thought.
Sadly Ichigo was his first and last special case. He was special because he endured it so long before giving in altogether. He had given Seiji several chances. He couldn't count on one hand the times he blew the other off or just outright declined him because he had already made 'plans' with someone else. Most of the time a girl. And nothing was more hurtful then getting turned down for the opposite gender. As raw and biased as that might have sounded, it was painfully true with both men and women alike.
Looking back on all those incidents, all the times he had declined Ichigo without so much as a second thought hurt him. The culprit here. Seiji couldn't understand why he hadn't realized it before. Was it because there was never anyone to stop him? Or maybe it was just because he was tired of being lonely and stressed alone that he took it upon himself to relieve his sexual tension with whomever he chose. He never thought how badly it impacted people.
And now he understood. Perhaps it was karma... That he drowned in that river. Right now, he was imagining the water, the current that swept him away. They were like all the negative emotions pint up against him by all the people he hurt. By all the hearts he crushed ruthlessly. He didn't really stand a chance. Thinking about it made his breath hitch and his stomach churn. More than anything he felt like he had to make it up. To repent. He could only do it if Ichigo allowed him to.
He wished the other had spoken up sooner. Chewed him out. But knowing Seiji that probably wouldn't have been enough to make him hurt. Even though no one had ever really stood up to him confidently like he believed Ichigo could. He probably would have broken the other off sooner if he had. But... He supposed that Ichigo had been crying out the whole time. The hurt looks he gave Seiji when he was turned down. The quiet treatment he'd get when the other had seen him messing around with someone else after school. All of those were signs that he chose to ignore.
All in all, it was never really Ichigo's fault. Seiji was the one that ignore him. Ichigo let go because he was hurting too much to hang on anymore. Seiji was the one at fault. He was the one that ultimately killed Ichigo. His chest hurt now... He felt like he could hardly breath.
He listened to Ichigo, closing his eyes and taking it all in. This was what Ichigo was feeling. This was what he should have paid attention too. But he was too immature to understand until someone hurt him back.
"Then..." he paused, unsure if he really had the right to be speaking up at all. His brows furrowed slightly before he looked up again. His expression softened. A sort of calm expression he never thought he was capable off. All the tensity in his face and body were nonexistent.
"We can be damaged together."
With that, the tanned male moved to wrap his arms around the blonde. It was time he stopped beating himself up. And it was time he made Ichigo see how valuable he was to Seiji.
"I was too stupid to realize just how perfect you are."
He wanted to love him again. He was ready to love him to the fullest. To give Ichigo himself, all of himself. He tightened his grip on the blonde.
"Sorry I was late."
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